The Journey of Her Forgetfulness

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Yakinlah bahwa engkau adalah cintaku
Yang kucari selama ini dalam hidupku
Dan hanya padamu kuberikan sisa cintaku
Yang panjang dalam hidupku
Hidupku…

Ku mencintaimu lebih dari apapun
Meskipun tiada satu orangpun yang tahu

Ku mencintaimu sedalam dalam hatiku
Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku
Woho…

Ku mencintaimu sedalam dalam hatiku
Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku

Ku mencintaimu lebih dari apapun
Meskipun tiada satu orangpun yang tahu
Ku mencintaimu sedalam dalam hatiku
Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku
Kekasih gelapku…

been very very busy…. where shall i start? our phuket trip - aqiel’s 3rd holiday?, aqiels’s hospitalisation?, my confusion? haiz.

let me just summarise it all. we managed to go to phuket together tho i promised hubby it will just be the 2 of us. what does holiday means to you? spending time together? as a couple? for me eversince i had amaley, i couldn’t bear to leave him behind while i am enjoying myself somewhere. i left him once. we went to bintan last jan. i had to because of the bad weather and he was such a small baby back then. and i cried to sleep everynight. and on that trip i promised not to leave my baby behind and i will bring him wherever i went. we should enjoy together as a family but this trip does not turn out as planned. being last min, as hubby intially didnt want to bring our junior, we ended up paying $100+ for his air ticket on silkair which costs much more than any budget airline and he doesn’t have a seat mind you!!! coz its a last min purchase. as usual, he would be cranky on the plane coz he simply cant sit still on tt small ass of his. upon arrival to phuket Laguna beach,  Allamanda resort he started to throw tantrums demanding that we bring him for a swim. he cried and wailed tt it made me have second thoughts that maybe i shouldn’t bring him afterall… hahahaaa… laguna resort is pretty boring as its far away from the town it’s more of a rest and relaxed environment and its a great escape from the busy city. we spend 3 days and 2 nights there and i was so glad that we are going over to patong beach! it’s much more colourful, noisy and interesting for amaley. he enjoyed himself. last april when we went to krabi he was afraid of the beach, waves and sand but now, at 11months he was literally lying on the sands and swimming with his dad. yup, he cried too when we told him its time to go back to the hotel. it was so embarassing. after all the fun, back home in sg amaley developed high fever the very next day and needed to be admitted to the hospital.

he had a very bad GE with dehydration and later thru the tests we found out he had the rotavirus. I blame myself for not taking good care of him. i blame myself for not giving him the protection he needed. i gave him all the injections but i forgot abt the anti virus for rota. i kept on asking myself how could i forget??? it was such a heartwrenching experience having to withness how ill ur son turns out after such a wonderful holiday. i tried my very best to give him the best. to provide for him and to protect him but i am not perfect. and it made me sad when ppl blame me for his illness. they blame me for bringing him over to phuket. it makes me wonder. do they really know me? do they think that i would do something to make my son ill??? would i not take precautions so that he wont fall ill??? it’s just sad to think that they could ever think that way of me. i bought 5litre of mineral water - nestle brand and not just any other brand. i sterilised his bottles and i cooked his porridge myself. yeah its a holiday which is actually not a holiday at all coz i still do all these for him. but that’s my responsibility. the only reason i could think of as to why he fell ill could be the watermelons that i bought from the pushcart ladies. they might not wash it properly. and tt’s where he got the virus from. ppl don know how sad i felt when i look at his face, his eyes, his weakened body. how i wish that i could take over his place and suffer instead of him. ppl wont stop talking wont they?anyway am very glad that he have fully recovered and eating and drinking as usual. he is starting to put on weight again and i am happy for that.

anyway, in a few days time it would be 1 year since i gave birth to him. i can still remember clearly the day, the events of the day of his arrival the time and the journey i took. each time we drive along the road to kk/ttsh i would recall how bad the pain was…. something that seems impossible for me in the past. i am glad to Allah for this little miracle boy who brings along laughter, love, warmth and many good things into our lives. i am contented with having him eventhough if he will be the only child that i would ever have in this life. he is the love of my life forever.

First & foremost, happy birthday daddy!!!! may you live till ripe old age….. like every other years that have passed, my wishes for you will remain the same. May Allah bless you with health, wealth, longevity, and everything good that I could hope for you. I hope you are happy & smiling always. Thanks for all that you have done for us. Thanks for taking care of me & sis ayu when you & mom decided to split. Thanks for showing me what’s right & whats wrong tho i hope you would not pull out that belt too often…. hahahah i admit i was a naughty girl with alot of teenage angst. Always rebellious and hot headed. I am sorry if i hurt you. I never meant too daddy. I will always love you with all my heart. btw ur birthday gift is on its way am still waiting for it to arrive… hehehe

while daddy’s celebrating his birthday, oppps and my dearest gal friend ani too… happy birthday gal & congrats on becoming a mummy!, i under went a surgery. removal of my wisdom tooth. total of 3 wisdom tooth and 1 premolar. how i really really really regretted removing the premolar. coz now there is a hole in bet my teeth! and that tooth was a good one no infection, no hole only that instead of growing upwards, it grew inwards, towards my tongue. it’s perfectly normal for me coz i am used to the position, now there is a gap and i missed my big fat crooked premolar!!!! can i put it back? my main reason for the surgery is to have the painful wisdom tooth removed but the surgeon suggested to remove the premolar as well since i am gng for the surgery and to avoid any tooth decay… well, that tooth might not even rot right? arrrgggghhh i really regret agreeing to her suggestion. now am waiting for the sto. i cant wait coz the stitches is killing me. nope, its not painful at all infact i don need to take any painkillers but the stitches are damn irritating.food gets stuck and i jt hate the feeling of the stitches rubbing against my tongue oh and the tooth which was previously blocked by the removed premolar, is causing me pain! sort of the sensitive type of feelings. i wish i could turn back time! and told her not to remove it….. but what’s done cant be undone… haizzz…..

i wish i have a special power that can make me disappear.

i wish i have a clone who can do work for me while i laze around….

i wish life wud be a bed of roses with nothing for me to worry about….

i wish all my worries be eliminated….

i wish, i am happy…..

haiz, what a day. am so not looking fwd to work today. i hate pm shift. the time passes by so slow. not helping either, the relative of my pt. arrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh i felt like strangling her. she came into the ward and started scolding us for putting the female pt tog with male pt. huh? i went blurrr… that cubicle IS a female cubicle. later on she said she couldn’t see properly and tot the pt in tt cubicle are all male!!!! idiot…. then she started talking non stop and made it difficult for me to do any orientation. i tried to keep my cool and still manage to give her a crisp smile. i asked her for her ctc nbr in case of emergency and her reply was… don call me i will be here 24/7… yeah and a moment later she told us she is leaving…. whatever. and she stood at our nurses counter talking and talking and repeating her words to dr paul… and its like we are all too free to listen. even the pt in bed 1 complained abt her. saying rhat she is very noisy and that’s y her mom went hypo.. hahaha

diff relatives aside. i kept on humming a song while working when dr paul said u r happy. i went huh? happy? fyi its a sad song and he went oh so u r sad… yeah i am sad… hehee btw whatever fault there is, its always dr paul’s fault… hahahha tt’s our joke. and he said "yeah all fault is mine… oh life is so unfair" heheeh…

haiz…. time’s up and i must drag myself to work again… btw wei lee told me tt NO honey wants me to go down to ED and i really don’t want to so i guess i will finally have to leave ED. told her to let me stay here for another 6mths and i will tender…. reason? i don wan to go down. so many ppl so many characters… i jt don know why, i don like working in a big groups… not coz of anything its jt the character of others that i need to get use to puts me off. i am comfortable here with the staff. and the work flow. hey don u think tt EDTC is all rest and relax ok.. we are all on our own. when we get busy, no one helps us. even the HA sometimes refused to help us. but who are we to complain… such a small fry…..

yup am still feeling low and down…. haiz for whatever reason i don’t know or perhaps i know but i just don wanna talk abt it. make me smile plssss… i promise i’ll give u a treat… hahahhaaaa….

amy is not on duty coz she’s doin nite…. haiz no one to disturb and joke abt… hahaha latest joke with her is abt boobs… boobies… hahahaaaa…. and we have made a plan to go out togther again this time its a threesome… with aye su… heheheh kinky huh? 3 girls… hahaha its so not. i am lookin forward to go out with them and have some fun. tho its just watchin movie and makan…

btw cant wait for sat…. its the ultimate xtina aguilera’s concert at indoor stadium!!!!!! ladies, screammmmmmmmmmm!!!!!! omg i can’t wait for sat…. i am sure we are gonna have a hell lot of fun. me, suz and yana and i guez a frend of theirs… yana been planning what shud we all wear… haha i tot since xtina loves red we shld wear red lipstick, red hot pants, red bras… hahahah minus the fake boobies… heheheee… oh and not fogetting, the big blonde curly wig. xtina dig that… forget all that, for sure i am gonna be there and enjoy my idol performing on stage. hope the $190 tix worth it.

the songs that i am looking fwd to her performing wud be, hurt, voice within, dirty,…. act all her songs are my fav….

and maybe since sunday is our off days, we should meet up and hang around??? that wud be nice after such a long time, we need to catch up. how abt another late night swing at st james? i hope its on. and on sunday i hope i can wake up early to bring lil amaley for a swim. i love the beach and wud love to go there on every weekends but its troublesome to take a public transport with all of his stuff….. i really wanna go to the beach… i need to wind up. i need to breathe in the fresh air, i need to feel the breeze on my face, i need to hear the crashing of the waves and the splashes of the water… i need to feel the soft sands on my feet…. i need to see the sunset, most of all i need you by my side… i need you to walk with me and hold my hands and tell me that everything would be alright….

been feeling kinda down and sad for the past few days. maybe due to some work related stress, rumours at work & my pms. i stopped taking the hormone pills coz i hate taking medicines everyday!!! this makes me to think what if when i am old and i need to be on long term meds for diabetes, hypertension or cholesterol? and i don take it religiously. i wont last very long i must say. yup… i had a very bad cramps for 3 days. its like reliving the memory of my dysmenorrhea. wow! super painful. i forced myself to work only to go down to walk in clinic and get an mc. it was unbearable. haiz…. i hate it when i am feeling down. felt like crying out loud!!!! feels like screaming the top of my lungs.

mom was the first person to realised something was bothering me. then uncle ali says there is something in my head. they asked but i kept my silence. they probe again. i kept quiet and smiled. tho i was in pain, i tried to help mom. she’s alone afterall. sis lina’s engagement on sat. but there is so much tt i can do. i was in pain everywhere. cramps, backache, and my stupid rt hand is causing me so much pain too. i wonder why. and this gastric problem plus my wisdom tooth which is causing me pain… duhhhh the list goes on. arrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate it.

Alhamdullilah lina’s ceremony went well tho at the end of the day sis ayu n lina had a tiff. i never saw ayu get so worked up. we never quarrelled this major b4. i don wish to go on abt that. it’s over and i am glad i was there to stop them tho, lina pushed me quite hard.. i am short mind u…. hehehe. i loved them all. no matter what. nana, even tho u might feel that u are not my sis by blood… i really love u lots…. i hope u know that and stop thinking otherwise. u are my sister afterall… and sisters should stay together. poor mom, she was very happy the day before coz all her daughters are at her home….helping her tho i m sick… but today mom cried today coz of the quarel. what must i do to make them know that i love them? what should i do??? are my words not enough? i even asked raishan… don u love me anymore? hahahah and he said yes of coz. this is a 12 year old puberty age boy…hahah he loves his sis… at least he does. am i so pathetic? asking everyone if they loved me? thats because i kept on telling the ones i loved that i love them dearly.but none tell me how much they love me. y????

maybe they don love me. maybe they love me but they don noe how to express. yeah maybe…..

i chatted with siti, my youngest sis. and she asked me.."lily are u tired?" i said ok ok. y? "nope mom said u look tired" i went huh? does my face shows how i felt? i felt ok but my face and body language shows otherwise i guess. it shows how i felt deep inside. sadness. empty.

and in msn ressa tagged me… asking if i am alright… how sweet of her. at least she shows some soncern for me…. thanks ress appreciate it. so, was it obvious? i wonder……

it’s daddy’s day today and i test msg my dad…. and tell him how much i appreciate what he have done for me all these years, for bringing me up and how much i loves him. i end it with i love u ayah…. yeah i didnt even visit him. anyway, i didnt wish hubby… hahaha serves him rt. he doesnt care a hoot over these things so i purposely din wish him. i wanna buy him a gift but decided not to. coz whatever i bought for him will be chucked into the cupboard i know what he wants…. another pair of sports shoe. which up till now i haven’t bought for him….. hahahahaa… baby aqiel turns 9 months old today and still no signs of any tooth! but he is crawling faster each day. and he is really trying hard to stand on his legs. tho he still wobble… he is drinking less milk now but have a huge appetite which is gd. i am glad he is not a fussy eater like his mommy…. hahahaa… but give me chicken rice or chicken anytime and i am on it. rt now baby aqiel refused to come into the hse and its already 8+pm. he wants to be outdoor. haizzz… botak head is really one pampered boy. i am trying to teach him simple words like no and cannot. and i am surprised tt he inderstands it. but i hate it wen i said no/cannot he wud immediately cry!!! the manja type of crying. irritating… hahah but he looks cute, oh btw he is a really great kisser…. hahahha ke likes it wen i kissed him on the lips/mouth… i shall not go into the details, but yeah he is a great kisser… ahakzzz… baby, mommy loves u!!!

it’s been such a busy day and the patient is not looking too good. the shift started fine as usual but after a while a pt threw fit. then comes in the admissions. non stop. cant help it there are many pt waiting for beds. my poor ah pek cant eat and drink and he cant talk i guess he must be feeling really miserable. to be shut off like that. no means of communications. and he cant write coz he had a stroke. luckily ying came up to help me and jiaming who are really stretching our arms and legs as far as possile i wished i had 8 hands so i can do many things at one time. so many pt each with diff needs and wants. 1 needs dressings tho he jt admitted to us i have yet to take his vitals and he was complaining when will the dr be seeing him. then it was time to serve diets. they need to be fed right? half way serving, a pt choked. not really as eating its coz he cant drink water. and we did suctioning and all tt is needed to be done. admissions kept on coming. diets half served. time is ticking.hmmmm…. poor jiamin, shewanted to go for break at 6pm but she was delayed and we waited till ying came. tt’s at 6.30.then things started to slow down abit…

7.40 my turn for break…. haiz its less than 20mins left to watch channel 8 drama. next on my mind, wat to eat? i had LJS @ novena earlier after my dr appt. so still full. i bought some swiss rolls and starbucks chocolate muffins. i was feeling really hmmm not tired but mood was low. when i stepped into 7/11 the song in the shop made me move…. suddenly brightens me up instantly! this usually happens to me.early morning i will listen to my fav songs tt’s fast and makes me feel energetic. my foot started to move to the rhythm and i was singing the song… the counter gal who knew me told me tt its a great song and i couldnt be less than to agree with her…. it IS a great song!!! 4 in the morning by gwen……. the lyrics is beautifully written. so romantic. its how i am feeling rt now coz i am reading a novel titled taste of a man…. hahhaa…. so, here’s the lyrics……….

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

(Give you everything)
(Give you all of me)

my peaceful night duty was disturbed by the sudden excruciating pain i had. prior to that, on the early morning of 7/5 i had 8-10 episodes of vomiting at work fm 3.30am till i finished work. luckily i am still able to carry out my duties tho i have to rest in betweens parameters taking. was feeling giddy and nauseated. on the same day at 2330hrs i had a sudden sharp pain on my abdomen and it was so painful that i cried infront of gjan and dr roger. it was so embarrassing. after resting and a jab, the pain seems to have subsided and i was laughing and apologising and complaining abt how embarrassed i was to have cried in front of them and i had a laugh but my happiness was short lived. by 3.15am the pain started again and now it radiates to the back it was as if i was in labour. i cried again and by now i cant hold on to it any longer and was wheeled to emergency department which was jt a few levels below.. ahaha…

it was very very embarrassing. a nurse in scrubs (uniform) was pushed on the wheelchair to emergency and then put on a trolley… paiseh to the max. if i wasnt in such pain i would have at least changed first. at least they wont recognise me… hehehee i was given morphine and i was on cloud nine immediately. it feels shiok to be pain free… but by 5plus the pain started again and the dr reviewed me 2 hrs later and gave me another dose of buscopan n morphine… boy he was really trying to numb me. everything went blur and double vision…. my head was heavy but the pain was relieved which was a gd thing. another hr or 2 passed and came another pretty sweet dr who told me i needed to be warded. so i was warded to GS ward. very disappointing. B1 but it was like a c class ward. our EDTC was much more peaceful, clean and better. that’s why wen i know my prob was gynae i wanna go back home at 6+pm. anyway i missed my baby. i need to see, feel and smell him… now, the pain have subsided but not fully but i can take it. and am very happy to be home with my baby…..

p/s nunu, love u and miss u lots dear.

Time passes by really quickly. Sis ayu is finally married and omg, the cost for the food itself is $11,000.00 not inclusive of the decorations, chairs & tables and make up and etc… poor dad. but i guess its ok lah coz during my wedding he didnt fork out anything so, might as well spend it on my sis….. i am feeling bittersweet rt now. my dear sis already gets a HOUSE!!! yup i am happy for her but at the same time i am feeling fed up and tired of waiting for my turn to get my own house. its been 4 years now and i am still waiting. should be able to move out soon, now with baby aqiel and my maid there is no space to stay comfortably and not forgetting my limited space for our things. my clothes is piled till the top of my wardrobe. there is no space available anymore. but i am happy for her. she can start a family soon now mom told me she and fendi went down to pay the $2000.00 deposit at hdb and will be waiting for the keys anytime soon. btw they will be moving out to bukit panjang. tt’s far away fm dad. i am wondering how he will react when my sis moves out. for me, i like woodlands coz its nearer to my work place but we might decide to move back to the east. somewhere simei or pasir ris. nearer to hubby’s work but far fm mine but, near to my dad’s and bro. arrgghhh no point in thinking abt it now when i cant even move out yet!

rt now, my dear little pumpkin aqiel is ill. while in krabi he’s been havin disturbed sleep however he was well during the day. last fri i realised he had a temperature. when we decided to bring him to the dr on sat, she diagnosed him as hfmd. my heart sank and i was sad for him. he’s too young to be ill or suffer fm any infection. he was looking better and the fever have subsided but yest, more spots comes out fm. not only on his hands and legs but also on his head, forehead and cheeks. we applied calamine lotion for him and my baby looks like a spotted bear. he looks so cute yet pitiful. he was so cranky and everytime he saw me, he will open his arms wide and wants me to carry him. i kept on telling my maid to be patient with him cnd try to understand tt he is sick and we need to make him happy and as comfortable as possible. luckily she understands. as i was leaving for work today, amaley was making lots of noise and wants to be carried so i carried him and when its time for me to leave, he wont let me let go of him. it hurts me to see my baby crying and to see him with red dots cover with white calamine lotions definitely doesnt help at all. i called mom and told her. i cried in the train to work today. i assured myself tt baby is in good hands and he will be taken care of.

besides mom, my colleague gjan and other friends of mine whom are nurses also told me to bring him to the hospital asap. coz it might be a wrong diagnosis. it doesnt look like hfmd coz it appears on his head as well. maybe its chicken pox but when i had tt its not like how it appears on his skin now. anyway hubby and me will bring baby to the hospital tomorrow morning once i finish my night shift. hopefully they will know what’s wrong with him. i m not only physically but mentally tired as well. i cant focus and kept on thinking if amaley is alright. i hope he will recover soon… Insya Allah.

p/s amaley darling.. mummy loves u, LOTS.mmmuuaakkkzzzz