The Journey of Her Forgetfulness

On my first day in the ward i was in a complete lost. Ppl was saying their ‘welcome back!!!’, you look pretty, look different, put on weight,…wait, i like that one. heheheh and so far all the good things. till….. "hey, you managed to lost weight so fast?"..eerrrmmmm btw since when did i put on weight? ppl will always be ppl. when i was pregnant they complained that i look thin, can’t see your tummy lisa, your baby not big.. bla bla bla….. and some even showed off their huge tummy to me.. yeah bare it out. all that makes me sad and worried non stop abt my baby n my weight. everytime i go see my obs i would ask the wt of my son. but now, when i am back they says i managed to lost wt…. whateva. (L)

I have since managed to recall my routines and am coping well. tomorrow is the department party!!!! yippie. i hope whoeva get my pressie will like it. spend alot of time searching for 1. finally settled down for bodyshop. its really good. i love it. hubby was making alot of noise saying that why must i spend so much (over the budget) and why so choosey. well, i am the type who will look for a gift as if its meant for me. something that ppl will like and appreciate. a real gift not jt some chocolates (i mean cheapo ones). its nice if the person likes the gift it meant alot to me. and even when buying hari raya cards or birthday cards i will find the card that will suit that person the best. not jt any cards on the shelves. that’s me. so tt’s y hubby hates to go shopping with me. tt’s another matter. i am very very very soooooo fickle minded. will never be able to decide by myself always need another ppl opinion when buying things for myself. which is nicer? black or white or wait… the red one. yup red is in. wanted to buy a red shoe for myself and told hubby… his response? PROSTITUTE wears red…. wtfish… hummmpppph! hubby hubby..*shakes head. i even forced him to accompany me to guess store at vivo city and after trying out some bags, i decided not to buy any…. hahahah waste of time.

anyway, while i was away at work, i miss aqiel alot alot alot…. really miss him… when i reached home feeling tired his face and smile will make everything go away. i am really grateful to Allah for this gift. its a real miracle. something tt’s impossible, a wish tt i hv been making every year, finally came true…. no regrets. i will ask aqiel "baby kiss mouth" everyday. jt because i want to be the only woman in his life tt have kissed him the most. no other woman… hahahaaa and every night i will whisper in his ears, "baby i love you…" and kiss his chubby cheeks. his the man in my life!

p/s aqiel mummy loves you no matter what…. forever n ever.

i closed my teary eyes last night and force myself to sleep at 3am. told myself tt will be able to forget abt what happened and i will fell much better by the morning. but as i woke up to my swollen eyes, i still cried. no matter what i did, the words still clings and as if there is a devil somewhere which i beliee there is, coz he is repeating the exact words over and over again. and again my eyes welled up…

oh gosh, am startign work on thurs… yippie. actualy i am looking fwd to it. been such a long time. been recalling my duties mentally when i go.. oh no ecg! which is which??? hmmmm i need to sort that one out. but a part of me felt sad. sad to go to work and leave my baby behind. never left him for such a long period of time. 9-10hrs. i will surely miss bathing him and talking to him. being able to hear his cries and laughter. coz i assume by the time i am home he will be fast asleep but, if i am on am shift yeah i will still get to play with him… how nice. he is such a doll. yest an indian lady approached my maid and ask her is she taking care of a chinese baby??? heheheh my son looks chinese… well my grand dad is fm a chinese parentage so tt explains why.

i hope God will put my mind at ease and clears my head. hubby told me not to cry anymore and he will try to find a solution asap. told him i cant stand seeing those ppl anymore and something have to be done or else…..

I am very very sad and feeling very very low at this moment of time. I am disappointed by the ppl around me (can’t name who so i am being general). After such a long time, nearly to 4 years & only now i saw it clearly rt in front of my face. Why? why only now? I have to agree i was in denial and only now tt i am able to see the true colors of ppl around me. How disappointed i am with them.

The pain that i felt rt now, the anger in me rt now wanna make me do things tt is irrational but thinking of hubby n baby aqiel made me think and try to settle it.

So what if u hate me fm the begining? so what if u can’t accept the fact? so what of u n ur ppl wanna choose to boycott me? so what? so what? i can only say u are a coward who can’t even look me in the eyes and tell it straight to my face!! shame on you. and here you are complaining abt other ppl, criticising their attitudes as if U are super perfect! look urself and ur ppl in da mirror…. u aint an angel. u aint perfect so, why not shut the hell up???!!!! coz i am tired of ur freaking attitude and i cant live with it anymore. I ahv my rights to my happiness and my family’s happiness…. I am entitled to it ok? so what if we could travel every year? so what if i can shop and buy more clothes and more shoes and more bags? so what? its my hard earned money!!! i didnt spend yours. i never borrowed money fm ppl so tt i could shop or travel or live in luxury like some ppl. i don’t interfere in your family business so get lost.

what i do with my money is entirely up to me. i am not evem supposed to give it to you. the fact is $$$$ is always never enuf for you & it never will. and i pity you. you don’t deserve my respect coz you never show to me tt u deserve it. i have always respected you but till now, its up to my limits.

why? why am i crying? wasting my tears for such a person? hmmmm not worth it. i cried coz of the disappointment i felt in u. i cried coz i thank God for the test he is putting me thru. coz He knows i will be able to handle it tt’s why i am being tested as such. I am not a perfect person and i don’t wanna be 1. yup i do wear my headscarf. so what? i was forced into it. the truth is i am not ready to wear it. it is so tt u can accept me. but was i? nope. so, why must i make u happy when u don make me? when i remove it u resent me. at least i open it infront of u. not behind your back. hiding somewhere like a mouse and act cute and innoncent when i am facing you. sorry tt’s not me!!!!

if anyone, who reads this and is not happy, sorry my intention is nt to make anyone happy at all… i am merely venting my anger so tt i will feel better. sorry if you thinks its YOU who i am referring to…. siapa makan cili dia terasa pedas nyer….

finally,

i will be leaving this ‘place’ and be with the ppl tt i am happy with. yup i will need some adjustments. i will pray to Allah to at least make my dream come true. at least this ‘1′.   

to you, i hope you realise how bad u are. and i pray to Allah tt he will make you realise your mistakes n repent. Insya Allah - Amin

Aqiel is such a lucky baby coz by 2 mths, he gets to travel to egypt n not tt he gets to visits the makams in cairo n alexandria…. luckily he slept thru most of the time in da plane (w/o any medication!) the airstewardess was very warm and friendly. we get the last row with 3 seats coz there wasnt anymore bassinet available for him.

We left sg at 12mn and flew to dubai where we stopped for an hr before reaching cairo airport at 7am. The first thing i saw b4 landing was, a piece of land plain n dull looking…. around the runway, i can only see 1 color… shades of brown…. the airport itself was disappointing. not like what i had imagine it to be. when we left cairo airport, on our way to hamrey’s hse, the road was in a mess… rubbish everywhere and it was dusty and brown…. the town felt dead! the most irritating thing was, the horns!!!! hate the horns!!!! these ppl love to horn at every little thing…. its so annoying…. but i love the weather not too hot n not too cold….

being last minute, we had trouble finding accomodation. finally we settled down for a ’selangor’ hse. here every student hse have a name. like hamrey’s its called bustan coz its opp the garden.. it help them to remember coz there are so many houses here….

i love the food…. yummyyyy… chicken finger licking good…. the meals are delicious coz we ate mostly at restaurants. and i love the sweet potato bakar… its a busy busy city…. so many human beings and congested roads is a norm here. the ppl are huge. makes me feel like a dwarf. heheheh…

ppl are so interested at my sarong tt i used to carry aqiel in. they have never seen one so we are like something interesting for them to see and talked abt. some even approached us asking what is it, and will he fall, y am i using it, am i tired of carrying him tt’s y i am using the cloth.. i was even made to hold my hands uo to satisfy them tt its a hands free material…. and little aqiel is so popular with the ladies here… they kissed him and even said that he is such a cute and adorable baby…. heheh i am one proud mama!!!! oh and he is also popular with the girls at the opp hse in alex.. yani’s friends. they carried him and played with him… makes me so happy that ppl like my son….

its 1230mn here with a 6 hrs time diff fm sg. now its been 8 days we are in egypt. stayed in cairo for 6 days and now in alex for 4 days and will be leaving for cairo again tom at 2pm by express train. will do some last min shopping b4 heading home to sg!!! i am really missing sg… my bed, my place… can’t stay here for much longer. tho the things here are much much cheaper and the food n fruits are very very fresh and cheap, its way behind than sg in terms of accomodation and everything else… the rubbish is not cleared daily, there are donkeys and horse’s waste on the ground and the roads are uneven n dusty. but somehow, i like the place. its laid back its refreshing and the place itself have many many history. k shall cont abt the trip and the places of interest that we went to in my next entry… tt’s whenever i am free.. hahhaha.. nite nite n gd morning