The Journey of Her Forgetfulness

family. mom, dad, siblings. they are part of the immediate family members. no matter how often or ‘less’ often u saw them, they are ur family. how much do we treasure our family members? how well can we all get along with one another? coming fm a multi racial, separated family, i treasure mine. i appreciate my family. i love my family and i am talking abt my parents and my siblings. half blood or not. i really miss my sisters. especially ayu who will be getting married soon on 21 april.

we grew up together. ever since our parents divorced, i was always there for her thru thick n thin we shared laughter and tears among sweets and chocs… yup we do argue lots over minor things and i was jelous of her coz she is always the good girl and i am always the bad one. whenever we did something wrong, its always me. guess coz i am the elder sis so i shld be more wiser. hey, we are apart by few months! but i was there for her and she was there for me after each operation that i went for. she fed me and she nursed me. we are so close. we shared secrets and we share our crushes. i did something really bad to her. we were playing leading the blind game. to make sure she didnt play cheat on me, i lead her to an open drain while her eyes were shut and she fell rt into the drain. i was so sad and mad at my stupidity. i was 10 at that time. she bled and i cried. i apologised profusely. we played with fire and candles and dad wud find us and we wud get a beating fm him. we shared laughter at our stupid jokes. till da day that separate us… it was a result of another sister. but i dont blame her… she is still a baby sister anyway. i take it was our fate.

now, ayu will be getting married to fendi. i am very happy for her and i could wish nothing more than for her happiness and may she be in the best of health.  i love u ayu….. i always do.

another sister of mine, lela. we seldom meet and we seldom talk… it cud go for months but i always remember her. i always ask mom abt her. if she had called mom, if there was any news of her. she is my lil sis after all. she wud never know that i was worried abt her and how much i miss her coz i never got a chance to show it to her. we are not always very close anyway. i guess she have this tot that i hate her or i despise her or i was always against her. i don noe but i cud feel it. she wud be close at times but wud drift apart the next min. i don noe what shld i do to be close to her. maybe to her i am sucha a bitch. jt so tt u noe, i care abt u-alot. she too is getting married by the end of this year…. i am happy for her and i hope everything will go well.  no matter what happens, no matter wat i said in my heart, i am here if u need me. i am always here for my sisters. i love you,…. even if u dont.

my 3rd lil sis, isya. she is very different from the rest. she seems like she never wants to grow up. she is such a baby girl. so sweet and cute. she is very manja. she prefers to stay at home than go work but i guess now its diff. she is the lil sis who helps me when i am in desperate needs. she is always willing to lend me her bed and her room… was there when i delivered and took care of me and aqiel. helped me to wash baby clothes and loves my son a lot. she is such a doll. she is crazy at times - most of the time actually but i still love her…. i love u, no matter how crazy u are….

siti, the youngest sister in da family. she is bigger in size than me and ayu. i love her since the day she was born. she look so sweet and innocent with her big eyes. i was 14 when she was born. she was so adorable and she is the apple of dad and moms eyes. and coz of her, we get scolded. everytime she cries its always our fault. how irritating can it be? how unfair was it? i dont blame her, she was a baby after all. i wish siti will grow up and pass with flying colours coz she is the only one in the family with brains… hahah the rest are brainless… heheh kidding. she is clever and i am proud of her. i am sure u will be successful. jt study hard now and concentrate on ur studies k? no matter how bad i sound at times, jt know tt its me bitchin and tt’s coz i love u. i don want u to repeat the mistakes i made. i love u… since the day u were born….

last but not least, my lil bro… raishan. u are the sexiest brother any sister can ask for! hahhaaa.. such an atheletic. taller than i am! with that matured face of urs… tt makes head turns at the age of 11!! sec girls tot u were in sec sch already! hahhahaa…. u playboy, better concentrate on ur studies and sports and not on girls. they waste ur time and u will loose ur track…. hehehhe look whos talking. i hope u will succeed in the things tt u do best - sports. thanks for all the laughter u gave me. thanks for all the irritating things u did to me… telling me the ending of a movies when i jt started watching it - which u know it pisses me off and u will get a slapping or a scream fm me but i noe u enjoyed irritating me. u r super cute bro. love u lotss eventho we don share the same blood… u r my bro no matter what.

i feel much better now after letting all this out…. jt so my siblings noe, i love u guys lots no matter wat. no matter if u think tt i am weird, crazy, irritating, such a bitch anything even if u hate me… i will love each and everyone of u no less…..

april is the most dreaded month of the year for me. coz my birthday fall in april, and many of my family members too. my ex classmate named wayne shares the same birthday as me too. here’s the list of my family members who celebrates theirs in the month of april - Ami & Cik Ila (love u guys loads), my sis inlaw dad, her bro in law, a couple of friends and nieces and nephew, ex boyfriends and the list goes on i dont even dare to look at it…. april is the only month in the yr tt almost all the dates are filled up with bithdays. geez somany aries and tureans in the family.

I am totally not looking forward to birthdays tho i really enjoyed and waited in anticipation for the day when i was a littlegirl. I would expect my dad to buy me gifts and i would remind him in advance of my coming birthday. he would buy me gifts such as a watch, alarm clock and i can only recall that.. heheh but for sure dad bought me plenty of watches coz i would spoil the watch in less than a month. either the strap was out of placed or the face was damaged. i am a person who doesnt takes care my things tt good. i am careless and i tend to forget where i put it. so daddy will have to keep on buying me the same thing again n again every year…. hahaha

i remembered that i celebrated my 3rd birthday with a party and i noe at that time we are poor and dad earn such a small salary but somehow he managed to throw a huge party for me. the other party i had was when i was 12. it was at a time when i have crushes on boys. hahahaaa and i remembered this guy so called boyfriend bought me a impulse body spray and he wrapped it up with cheap papers - mind u we were in pri sch back then… hahahah funny. i also had some mini party at school. i also celebrated my sweet 16th birthday with my friends at pasir ris beach. it was so much fun i remembered i was wearing a black with white trims top fm alien workshop and a red tie dye pants and a red esprit bandana with my huge round JPG gold specs… and they talked abt ugly betty, i am ugly lyssa. hahahha and my friends threw me into the sea and when i walked up the beach they tot i was bleeding or menstruating coz it was all red but actually it was my pants… hahahah scare u guys! at that point of time i celebrated with my best friends, dikir & mldds friends and my new steady boyfriend. it was such a sweet bitter memory. funny that i am able to recall abt all this. after the 16th birthday i stopped throwing parties. i became paranoid when i reached my 20s and i dreaded each 24 april. i am growing older and am totally not looking forward to turning a year older no matter what u gave me as a gift.

i dont know if i am lucky or not coz i am always with a guys who celebrates his birthday in april. believe it or not, its true…. one guy birthday was on the 25th a day after mine and my hubby’s is on the 19th and our wedding anniversary in on my birthday itself. Fyi i even planned to have my baby born on april. i am obssessed with april. and the no. 24 i love even numbers and hates odd numbers. coz to me with even numbers we are able to share things equally and fairly coz there was always the 2 of us me n sis ayu. i hate it when i have sweets or chocs in odd no. coz it wud be so hard to share equally. up till now, even the volume on the car radio have to be even, the volume on my tv have to be even if its odd, i wud add up or decrease to make it even. i am mad! hahahahhaa….

so, now tt i am in my mid 20s, and married, we usually celebrates our birthday and anniversary by gng for a short trip overseas. phuket, bali and this year phuket again. we dint really celebrate the day formally its just wishing one another happy birthday n that abt it. we don really exchange gifts. hubby bought me a gold chain once and i cant really recall the others. me? i don recall buying him anything. he doesnt need anything except his running shoes. he always need a new pair of shoes. so this year i might buy him the new addidas shoe if tt’s wat he wasnt it. and i will for sure ask him something for return coz tt shoe cost quite a bomb.

and while the list goes on, i hate searching for gifts too. coz i am fickle minded. i wont be able to decide wat to buy and will spend the whole day or 2 searching for a suitable gift. i am not the type to just buy anything of the rack and give it. i will find something tt is really suitable for the receiver and will be appreciated. tt’s why hubby and even esah hates to go shopping with me. i kept on changing my mind. its tiring for me too and in the end i get frustrated. hahahhaaaa……

I am getting more paranoid now each time my phone rang and shows either dad or mummy’s name on the screen especially if its late at night. my heart would start pumping extra fast and i would pray its not bad news that i would receive. i still have 3 grandma and 1 grandpa. this is all because last yr ended with a death of a grandad and 2007 starts with the death of my dear cuzin sister Aidah bte Bujang who died at the age of 34 she was short of weeks to her 35th birthday. it came as a rude shock to me. i wasnt in singapore at that time and when i received the call at 1am, i can’t go back to sleep. i closed my eyes but suddenly i felt chills down my spine. each of us have this thinking tt we will die at a ripe old age, who dies at a young age anyway? rt? but reality check here, ppl do die at a young age. she passed away while shooping for her family for the sunday picnic and passed away with her beloved hubby and darling children. it is still painful and difficult for me to recall the day she was to be buried. i remembered i lost control of my voice when they placed her newborn baby md yusof by her body for a min. it was heartwrenching. a month later, hubby grandma passed away. tho i wasnt close to her i still felt the lost. i hope Allah will bless my grandparents, parents, parents in law, family & friends with good health and protect them always. Insya Allah.

all of us cant escape fm death and its how we prepared ourselves for the final moment in a person’s life-another life i mean. i am not perfect and never will. as human, we never fails to make mistakes and from repeating it.

i wont be able to imagine how i will take it if someone i love alot will leave me. but i also asked myself if i were to leave this place earlier, will i be missed? will ppl cry? will they still remember me? would i be able to leave an impact on others life? or will they be happy? ehehhehee i am not such a nice person afterall.

yest was my last night fm the 1st round of night. i am on permanent night now. i am doing it so i can spend more time with baby. he is growing each day and am learning new things rt now such as turning and sitting up and he likes to sucks and lick on everything and anything be it edible or not. everything that his hands could get hold of, he will put it into his mouth. and i would scream and told him he could not do it coz it’s dirty and he might hv a tummyache but bein baby, he jt won listen. it’s really amazing to watch a child progresses as they grows older. i am really loving it….. p/s nunu amaley, mummy loves u lotsz