The Journey of Her Forgetfulness

i wish i have a special power that can make me disappear.

i wish i have a clone who can do work for me while i laze around….

i wish life wud be a bed of roses with nothing for me to worry about….

i wish all my worries be eliminated….

i wish, i am happy…..

haiz, what a day. am so not looking fwd to work today. i hate pm shift. the time passes by so slow. not helping either, the relative of my pt. arrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh i felt like strangling her. she came into the ward and started scolding us for putting the female pt tog with male pt. huh? i went blurrr… that cubicle IS a female cubicle. later on she said she couldn’t see properly and tot the pt in tt cubicle are all male!!!! idiot…. then she started talking non stop and made it difficult for me to do any orientation. i tried to keep my cool and still manage to give her a crisp smile. i asked her for her ctc nbr in case of emergency and her reply was… don call me i will be here 24/7… yeah and a moment later she told us she is leaving…. whatever. and she stood at our nurses counter talking and talking and repeating her words to dr paul… and its like we are all too free to listen. even the pt in bed 1 complained abt her. saying rhat she is very noisy and that’s y her mom went hypo.. hahaha

diff relatives aside. i kept on humming a song while working when dr paul said u r happy. i went huh? happy? fyi its a sad song and he went oh so u r sad… yeah i am sad… hehee btw whatever fault there is, its always dr paul’s fault… hahahha tt’s our joke. and he said "yeah all fault is mine… oh life is so unfair" heheeh…

haiz…. time’s up and i must drag myself to work again… btw wei lee told me tt NO honey wants me to go down to ED and i really don’t want to so i guess i will finally have to leave ED. told her to let me stay here for another 6mths and i will tender…. reason? i don wan to go down. so many ppl so many characters… i jt don know why, i don like working in a big groups… not coz of anything its jt the character of others that i need to get use to puts me off. i am comfortable here with the staff. and the work flow. hey don u think tt EDTC is all rest and relax ok.. we are all on our own. when we get busy, no one helps us. even the HA sometimes refused to help us. but who are we to complain… such a small fry…..

yup am still feeling low and down…. haiz for whatever reason i don’t know or perhaps i know but i just don wanna talk abt it. make me smile plssss… i promise i’ll give u a treat… hahahhaaaa….

amy is not on duty coz she’s doin nite…. haiz no one to disturb and joke abt… hahaha latest joke with her is abt boobs… boobies… hahahaaaa…. and we have made a plan to go out togther again this time its a threesome… with aye su… heheheh kinky huh? 3 girls… hahaha its so not. i am lookin forward to go out with them and have some fun. tho its just watchin movie and makan…

btw cant wait for sat…. its the ultimate xtina aguilera’s concert at indoor stadium!!!!!! ladies, screammmmmmmmmmm!!!!!! omg i can’t wait for sat…. i am sure we are gonna have a hell lot of fun. me, suz and yana and i guez a frend of theirs… yana been planning what shud we all wear… haha i tot since xtina loves red we shld wear red lipstick, red hot pants, red bras… hahahah minus the fake boobies… heheheee… oh and not fogetting, the big blonde curly wig. xtina dig that… forget all that, for sure i am gonna be there and enjoy my idol performing on stage. hope the $190 tix worth it.

the songs that i am looking fwd to her performing wud be, hurt, voice within, dirty,…. act all her songs are my fav….

and maybe since sunday is our off days, we should meet up and hang around??? that wud be nice after such a long time, we need to catch up. how abt another late night swing at st james? i hope its on. and on sunday i hope i can wake up early to bring lil amaley for a swim. i love the beach and wud love to go there on every weekends but its troublesome to take a public transport with all of his stuff….. i really wanna go to the beach… i need to wind up. i need to breathe in the fresh air, i need to feel the breeze on my face, i need to hear the crashing of the waves and the splashes of the water… i need to feel the soft sands on my feet…. i need to see the sunset, most of all i need you by my side… i need you to walk with me and hold my hands and tell me that everything would be alright….

been feeling kinda down and sad for the past few days. maybe due to some work related stress, rumours at work & my pms. i stopped taking the hormone pills coz i hate taking medicines everyday!!! this makes me to think what if when i am old and i need to be on long term meds for diabetes, hypertension or cholesterol? and i don take it religiously. i wont last very long i must say. yup… i had a very bad cramps for 3 days. its like reliving the memory of my dysmenorrhea. wow! super painful. i forced myself to work only to go down to walk in clinic and get an mc. it was unbearable. haiz…. i hate it when i am feeling down. felt like crying out loud!!!! feels like screaming the top of my lungs.

mom was the first person to realised something was bothering me. then uncle ali says there is something in my head. they asked but i kept my silence. they probe again. i kept quiet and smiled. tho i was in pain, i tried to help mom. she’s alone afterall. sis lina’s engagement on sat. but there is so much tt i can do. i was in pain everywhere. cramps, backache, and my stupid rt hand is causing me so much pain too. i wonder why. and this gastric problem plus my wisdom tooth which is causing me pain… duhhhh the list goes on. arrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate it.

Alhamdullilah lina’s ceremony went well tho at the end of the day sis ayu n lina had a tiff. i never saw ayu get so worked up. we never quarrelled this major b4. i don wish to go on abt that. it’s over and i am glad i was there to stop them tho, lina pushed me quite hard.. i am short mind u…. hehehe. i loved them all. no matter what. nana, even tho u might feel that u are not my sis by blood… i really love u lots…. i hope u know that and stop thinking otherwise. u are my sister afterall… and sisters should stay together. poor mom, she was very happy the day before coz all her daughters are at her home….helping her tho i m sick… but today mom cried today coz of the quarel. what must i do to make them know that i love them? what should i do??? are my words not enough? i even asked raishan… don u love me anymore? hahahah and he said yes of coz. this is a 12 year old puberty age boy…hahah he loves his sis… at least he does. am i so pathetic? asking everyone if they loved me? thats because i kept on telling the ones i loved that i love them dearly.but none tell me how much they love me. y????

maybe they don love me. maybe they love me but they don noe how to express. yeah maybe…..

i chatted with siti, my youngest sis. and she asked me.."lily are u tired?" i said ok ok. y? "nope mom said u look tired" i went huh? does my face shows how i felt? i felt ok but my face and body language shows otherwise i guess. it shows how i felt deep inside. sadness. empty.

and in msn ressa tagged me… asking if i am alright… how sweet of her. at least she shows some soncern for me…. thanks ress appreciate it. so, was it obvious? i wonder……

it’s daddy’s day today and i test msg my dad…. and tell him how much i appreciate what he have done for me all these years, for bringing me up and how much i loves him. i end it with i love u ayah…. yeah i didnt even visit him. anyway, i didnt wish hubby… hahaha serves him rt. he doesnt care a hoot over these things so i purposely din wish him. i wanna buy him a gift but decided not to. coz whatever i bought for him will be chucked into the cupboard i know what he wants…. another pair of sports shoe. which up till now i haven’t bought for him….. hahahahaa… baby aqiel turns 9 months old today and still no signs of any tooth! but he is crawling faster each day. and he is really trying hard to stand on his legs. tho he still wobble… he is drinking less milk now but have a huge appetite which is gd. i am glad he is not a fussy eater like his mommy…. hahahaa… but give me chicken rice or chicken anytime and i am on it. rt now baby aqiel refused to come into the hse and its already 8+pm. he wants to be outdoor. haizzz… botak head is really one pampered boy. i am trying to teach him simple words like no and cannot. and i am surprised tt he inderstands it. but i hate it wen i said no/cannot he wud immediately cry!!! the manja type of crying. irritating… hahah but he looks cute, oh btw he is a really great kisser…. hahahha ke likes it wen i kissed him on the lips/mouth… i shall not go into the details, but yeah he is a great kisser… ahakzzz… baby, mommy loves u!!!

it’s been such a busy day and the patient is not looking too good. the shift started fine as usual but after a while a pt threw fit. then comes in the admissions. non stop. cant help it there are many pt waiting for beds. my poor ah pek cant eat and drink and he cant talk i guess he must be feeling really miserable. to be shut off like that. no means of communications. and he cant write coz he had a stroke. luckily ying came up to help me and jiaming who are really stretching our arms and legs as far as possile i wished i had 8 hands so i can do many things at one time. so many pt each with diff needs and wants. 1 needs dressings tho he jt admitted to us i have yet to take his vitals and he was complaining when will the dr be seeing him. then it was time to serve diets. they need to be fed right? half way serving, a pt choked. not really as eating its coz he cant drink water. and we did suctioning and all tt is needed to be done. admissions kept on coming. diets half served. time is ticking.hmmmm…. poor jiamin, shewanted to go for break at 6pm but she was delayed and we waited till ying came. tt’s at 6.30.then things started to slow down abit…

7.40 my turn for break…. haiz its less than 20mins left to watch channel 8 drama. next on my mind, wat to eat? i had LJS @ novena earlier after my dr appt. so still full. i bought some swiss rolls and starbucks chocolate muffins. i was feeling really hmmm not tired but mood was low. when i stepped into 7/11 the song in the shop made me move…. suddenly brightens me up instantly! this usually happens to me.early morning i will listen to my fav songs tt’s fast and makes me feel energetic. my foot started to move to the rhythm and i was singing the song… the counter gal who knew me told me tt its a great song and i couldnt be less than to agree with her…. it IS a great song!!! 4 in the morning by gwen……. the lyrics is beautifully written. so romantic. its how i am feeling rt now coz i am reading a novel titled taste of a man…. hahhaa…. so, here’s the lyrics……….

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

(Give you everything)
(Give you all of me)